Here comes Santa Claus Here comes Santa Claus...
'That's me, Paul Maddens, back in drama school.
'Yes, l look like an idiot.
'And there's my girlfriend, Jennifer,
'with our best mate, Gordon Shakespeare.
'We were the three amigos with the world at our feet.'
So jump in bed and cover your head
Cos Santa Claus comes tonight...
'Jennifer and her family always loved Christmas.
'And it was Jennifer who taught me to love it, too.
'Gordon always said he loved Christmas,
'but the only thing he truly loved was himself.'
l'm completely above this. This is just pointless. Elf!
lt's my last elf.
l could at least be Father Christmas. Look at her.
- l can't do this any more. - You're really good, though.
There's no control being an actor. You're doing other people's ideas.
- l agree. - l'd rather be in control.
l don't know, like directing, producing.
- l think you should consider that. - l will.
That's why l'm going to train as a primary school teacher.
Shh.
Give it three years and if you're as bad as you are now, give up.
Try. Those who can't act, teach.
And those who can't teach, teach primary.
- Who says that? - lt's a truism.
A truism? Five, six, seven, eight.
Here comes Santa Claus Here comes Santa Claus...
'And so that's what l did, l became a teacher,
'and Jennifer seemed really proud of me.
'As l was of her, when she went to Hollywood and became a producer.
'Gordon became a teacher at the best private school in the city.
'Every Christmas,
'his productions of the nativity won the five-star review in the local paper.'
Gordon Shakespeare's three-colour trilogy
has redefined nativity with its rainbow of talent
that hangs over the city of Coventry like a blessed beacon.
'Five stars.
'Jesus, Mary and Joseph! What a performance!
'Paul Maddens' nativity was abysmal.'
Minus two stars.
'And that's when l decided l hated Christmas.'
Santa Claus is coming to town
You'd better watch out You'd better not cry...
Sit down! Oli, that's you in detention for the week.
TJ, that's you in detention for the week,
and also, TJ, that's your parents coming into school tomorrow.
Santa Claus is coming to town...
- Who is going to win the 5-star review? - Us, us, us!
Us, us, us! Us, us, us!
Us, us, us! Yeah!
- Who can spell me Bethlehem? Go. - B-E-L-E...
No, next. Oli.
B-E-L-T...
No! TJ?
- B-E-L-E... - No!
Good morning, boys and girls.
Good morning, Mrs Bevan!
Here we are on the run-up to Christmas.
- Yes! - lsn't that exciting?
Now, last year, Mrs Spink did the nativity play,
and, if you remember, she got a bit upset
and she started shouting and crying
and some of you, l remember, were crying with her.
So, we are going to have to find a new person,
and this year, to make the best nativity play that has ever, ever been,
is Mr Maddens. Yes!
We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year
We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year...
Ooh.
We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year
And a happy New Year
Happy New Year...
You have the talent, you have the training.
Mrs Bevan, l did a three-year course in drama many moons ago.
- l wasn't very good. - Yes, l know. Let's move on from there.
When are you going to start the casting?
These children are literally useless.
l am literally useless. Please don't make me do this.
Think about Oakmoor. Think about how they always steal all the reviews.
We agreed four years ago
that after my disastrous attempt to direct the nativity, l wouldn't do it again.
Make this a good one, make this a fabulous last nativity play for me,
and then l retire and you won't have to put up with me any more.
Oh, and you've got a classroom assistant starting today some time.
- Thank you. - That will help with the stress.
- Hello. - Hello.
Tell us, clearly, what happened at Christmas, if you think you're so clever.
Joseph got together with Mary and then Mary went to Bethlehem to have a baby.
She has a baby, Jesus.
A couple of years later, about 30 years later, he dies on the cross and then...
Go and sit down. That was almost blasphemy, what you've just done.
Here's to a five-star review
of the St Bernadette's nativity directed by Paul Maddens.
- Cheers. - Cheers!
When Susie was a child
A child Susie was
She said, "Miss! Miss! l can't get this! l got my knickers in a right old twist!"
When...
- Who are you? - Mr Poppy.
- What are you doing here, Mr Poppy? - Oh, l'm your teaching assistant.
Please try and keep it neat. Dan, are you having a bit of trouble?
- How are you getting on, Fraser? - Fine, thanks.
Mm-hm. You don't have to put your hand up to talk to me.
l thought we were supposed to be doing a play.
- We are. - Everyone's sitting around...
Yes, but this isn't the rehearsal for the play.
This is still a creative writing class. lt's a different thing.
- Who wants to do a play? - Excuse me, excuse me!
- Just move the tables to one side. - No, keep the tables where you are!
Alfie! Alfie, TJ, just put the tables back.
The next person to move their table will be in detention for the entire term.
Sit down!
Stripy scarf, whose is this?
- Mr Poppy! Come in now, Mr Poppy. - l've been tigged.
Come in now.
Get inside, please. l've told you before!
- Poppy! Poppy! Poppy! - Children, please, go away.
- Poppy! Poppy! - Just carry on playing.
Mr Poppy! Mr Poppy!
Mr Poppy!
Shh-chh-chh!
- Furzz-oop. - l just wanted to check something.
Can l just say l've really enjoyed today, thank you very much.
You're welcome.
- You haven't done this before. - l've done stuff like it.
- Classroom assistant? - No.
l just wanted to check that. l'll see you tomorrow at 08.15?
- Do you want a sausage sizzler? - Sorry?
Young's, the newsagent by Fiveheads Road,
they do these sausages with tomato ketchup in a roll with a sausage.
They're £1 .50. Do you want to share one and we could hang out at the park?
l'll introduce you to Tom, Stinky Tom. He's funny.
l'm a bit busy. l shan't be doing that tonight. Thank you.
See you later.
Fzz-shwoosh!
Can't you see it's gonna be A merry, merry Christmas
For all good girls and boys...
Come here, baby. Hello.
Ooh! Right on me kippers. Ooh!
Cracker! Cracker, you hardly know me!
Cracker! Cracker!
Where are you going, you mental dog?
Cracker... ln Nazareth...
Or... ln Nazareth...
l think low. Bark for high.
Bark for low.
Suit yourself.
Cracker.
Cracker. Cracker, come here.
Help me, Mr Maddens!
This man is an idiot. He's an actual village idiot.
lf this was a village, he would be the idiot.
He's not a classroom assistant. He's an absolute calamitous fool.
- He'll be a big help with the play. - The play that l don't care about?
The play that brings the children away from learning to read, write and count?
Whoopee. l've got a big oaf helping my children to fail. Thanks a lot.
- This is getting a bit personal. - Who's that?
- Who's what? - What's that?
That's a photograph of me and Mr Poppy.
- Why? - He is my sister's son.
Mm-hm.
Mr Poppy!
Sit down, please. Sit down.
Be quiet! Sit down now!
Why is Mr Maddens such a grumpy grocks?
His girlfriend left him at Christmas time.
- Where's his girlfriend now? - ln America.
America, how cool is that?
lt is cool, but it is a long way away from here.
Can we keep it down over there, please?
- Bagsy drive the van. - l've got the keys.
- Nothing overrules the rules of bagsy. - Don't...
- Mr Poppy, l'm insured to drive the van. - Auntie Pat said l could drive.
- Can you drive? - Yeah. Come on, jump in.
- Gabriel comes in on a death slide. - What's a death slide?
One of those things. Duh-zzhoozh! You go down with two hands...
l don't think health and safety will involve the death slide in a nativity play.
- OK, what about a BMX with trick pegs? - This is a Roman Catholic school.
We are not going to replace a donkey with a trick-peg BMX. What is that?
- We can do it if we just work together. - Sorry?
Like we're Webber and Rice, and Posh and Becks. Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee.
You and me.
- l think maybe this one. - No. The big one.
lt's not gonna fit, is it?
- l don't believe it! Paul Maddens! - Gordon Shakespeare.
How are you doing, my man?
- Great to see you. - And you.
- Where have you been? - Five years at St Bernadette's now.
But you were gonna be the star, the man!
- Was l? l never thought that. - Yes! We all did and then it all went.
And now you're down the road? How is it at St B's?
Goodness me, what a challenge!
Slowly, that dreadful school is dragging itself up.
- How's Jennifer? Do you speak to her? - Yeah, still quite good friends with her.
So, you still keep in touch with her?
Yeah, even though she's Hollywood side, yeah.
- Didn't she do well? - She's now a producer, you know?
l know. l mean, if you think l'm talented, well, she's just gone to another level.
Way above me, and... and...
- ...clearly, you. - Clearly, yeah.
lf you want to see how the other half lives,
and just see where it really happens in the right way,
come along to our Christmas bazaar.
- The talent they've got. Amazing. - Yeah, l'm sure.
- lt's worth a little look. Come along. - Thank you.
- What are you doing this year? - l'm doing the nativity again.
- Perhaps l could come and see yours? - Yes, you won't be alone if you do.
Because, actually, Jennifer's coming.
- She's coming over to the UK? - Yeah, she's gonna come and see...
Why would she do that?
Because she's gonna bring most of her agency over with her.
Hollywood... are coming to St Bernadette's?
- To see your show? - Yes.
- To film your show? - Yeah.
- To make a film out of it? - Yeah.
And a book.
Come, come, come, come, come.
Come close. This is... Shh.
Come in, gather round. l've got something to tell you, all right?
l'm not supposed to, but someone's twisted my arm and l have to tell you.
l've just been to get the Christmas tree, and l heard Mr Maddens say,
a big Hollywood production film thing company
are coming here to see our nativity,
but it's not a nativity, it's "Nativity The Musical",
in 3-D with 5-D sound, and we're all going to be famous!
Yeah!
Shh, shh, shh! This is big stuff, all right?
Zack, l mean, you could end up being...
- Zac Efron. - Yes!
And you... you could be Shrek!
- And you, Bob... - What?
...you're like a little Gollum, like a little creature in something!
So, we're going to be super famous because Hollywood are coming!
Yeah!
Ow. Ow.
Ow!
Oh!
Aargh!
With me now are the real stars of the film,
the pupils of St Bernadette's School here.
- You must be very excited? - Oh, very excited, aren't we, children?
Wait, wait.
We heard this morning that Hollywood are coming to see our nativity play,
and we can hardly believe it.
Sit down, please. Sit, Cracker.
l am actually Mr Poppy and l am, er... the co-director, co-writer, co-producer.
'...the true stars of a new Hollywood blockbuster coming to town very soon.'
He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake...
How you doing, Paul?
Now, you don't want to be late. Quickly, you two.
Well done. Congratulations, Mr Maddens.
There you are! Oh, goodness, at last.
- This is Darren from the newspaper. - Nice to meet you.
Come on, we've got to go this way. Yeah, they've been waiting.
l've told Darren everything l know but l don't know much.
lt's wonderful that you're back in touch with her again.
There you are, that's it.
Thank you, thank you. Good morning, boys and girls. Good morning, teachers.
Good morning. Good morning, gentlemen of the press.
Ha-ha! And the local news team.
And, as you can see, children, it's very, very exciting.
The whole of the town is buzzing with the news
that St Bernadette's is going to get a visitor from Hollywood.
- Three cheers for Mr Maddens! Hip, hip! - Hurray!
- Hip, hip! - Hurray!
- Hip, hip! - Hooray!
Mrs Bevan, boys and girls...
l'm sorry, cos there's obviously been some misunderstanding,
because yesterday l said in front of Mr Poppy
that we were gonna have a... a visit from Hollywood.
And l'm only sorry cos it's not happening right now!
l didn't tell you.
l told Gordon Shakespeare! lt wasn't even for your ears!
Do you understand me? You were eavesdropping on a conversation.
- lt doesn't matter! - Be quiet! lt's obviously a lie.
How are Hollywood gonna come to the school?
lt's a lie! lt's not true! l made it up!
You have messed up, right?
lt's up to you to face your responsibility and go out there and tell them it's a lie.
Yeah!
All you've got to do is call your girlfriend
and get the Hollywood people across.
One problem. She's not my girlfriend. l don't know her number.
l don't know where she lives. l was making all of that up yesterday.
- Family? Has she got any family? - Well, she's got parents, yeah.
- Do you have any pets? - l have a dog. Used to be hers.
Brilliant! Just go round there.
Say, "The dog died. l need her number. l should break her this news in person."
- How has the dog died? - lt blew up.
The dog blew up!
They won't ask! They won't ask. You wouldn't ask. l wouldn't ask.
"Eugh!" They'd just think "Eugh" and get the number.
We need those five stars. l need you all to be stars to get those stars.
We need something edgier, more dangerous, something darker.
Something like the RSC do, then bang, they hit you with something enormous.
That's what we should be doing. Something European, strange, exotic.
Something that the Americans don't understand but love.
That's it, l know, we could have... Herod.
King Herod, he's never done, is he? Herod... Herod's never done, ever!
That's it, wonderful. We can have Herod. lt could be like an opera.
This dark shape brooding in the back,
coming forward onto the stage, singing his heart out, his lungs,
craving for their minds and blood and body of the children.
That's what we want. Who's going to be my Herod?
Can't you see it's gonna be A merry, merry Christmas
For all good girls and boys...
Thank you. Anything else you'd like to show us?
- A, B, C, D... - That's good.
You and me l've been dancing on the floor, darling
And l feel like l need some more
And l feel your body Close to mine and l...
Oh.
Cos l'm just A teenage dirtbag, baby
Listen to lron Maiden, baby, with me
l was going on a hill side On a hill side
l was going on a hill side On a hill side...
Oh, Danny boy
The pipes, the pipes are calling...
What would you like to play?
l know you're not gonna let me, but l want to be Joseph.
OK, well, away you go, in your own time.
- Careful. - Wow.
- You're through to the next round. - There's not a next round.
- The Hollywood round. - There isn't a Hollywood round.
Please can l go to Hollywood? Please!
Hollywood, Bob, are gonna love it.
Aah! Ooh!
Look, l can't do it. Can we take five for a moment, please?
l've got to... Excuse me.
Keep going, it's good. lt's really good.
- Paul. Paul. Paul. - Oh, hello, Father.
l just popped in to congratulate you. Well done.
- Thank you. - lt's great news.
- Thank you. l'll do what l can. - Well done.
Father, could l ask your advice?
l've just had a bit of a query from one of the children in the auditions, actually.
l'm not sure how to advise them. They're worried about, er... lying.
One of them has told a lie.
We all know that there's such a thing as a little white lie
and there's a black Protestant lie, which is more serious, you know...
l don't think so, l don't think so. A lie is a lie is a lie.
- Technically? - What do you mean, technically?
Well, you know, "ls that a nice meal?" "Oh, yes, Mrs Johnson, it's lovely."
Even though you're feeling sick, cos you don't want to hurt her feelings.
- But it's still a lie, isn't it? - But l'm not going to be punished for it.
No, but if you picked the woman up on her bad cooking,
the next time you might get a decent meal.
Ee-aah! Ee-aah!
- Mrs Bevan, can l have a quick word? - Ah! My phone is ringing off the hook.
- Can l grab you for two minutes? - Of course.
Word has got out about the Hollywood connection, and parents are ringing me.
- They want to know why, how, when. - l can save time with all of that.
This is the cherry on the cake, the Lord Mayor's office has rung
and they want you to go to a big reception for Coventry ambassadors.
- No! - Yes, and there's going to be drinks.
- l don't think l can come. - l've accepted on your behalf.
Have you?
- l've got to go. Phone! - No, please!
That will be somebody else. See you soon, bye-bye.
l'm a little Christmas cracker
Hanging on a Christmas tree
Just a little Christmas cracker
A banger, banger, banger, that's me...
- How's it going? - You!
- l wonder if l might come in? - l think you should come in.
- Thank you. - Come on.
You'd better sit down, Paul.
l've heard of some things in my life, Paul,
but to take a dog called Cracker
and then to put explosives in it and blow it apart like a cracker...
l think common parlance is "the pits".
Wait till Jennifer hears.
Yes, she'll probably be sitting there in her heart-shaped pool,
sipping away at her Cristal champagne which Harrison has bought her.
That's her new boyfriend, by the way.
New boyfriend, you understand that?
Not the old boyfriend who blows dogs to smithereens.
Hooray for Hollywood...
Excuse me.
- What did she say? - l haven't spoken to her yet.
- When are you going to phone her? - When l've got time!
And just when l've worked out what it is l'm gonna say!
Phone her! Why don't you want to phone her?
l can't phone her now because l'm working. l'm marking.
You're worried. You were going out with her for a long time.
You love her, she loved you, it went wrong,
and you feel butterfly things in your tummy when you make the phone call.
And l understand that and you just need to take a big daddy breath,
dial the number and say hello.
l don't know what you think is going on.
You think l'm hung up over a woman l've not seen for five years. l'm not.
Well, l can see a man who's really scared and frightened and angry.
l'm frightened of you, because l've never met one of you before.
l'm terrified because l don't know what you or l am going to do.
l could help you mend your heart, Mr Maddens.
Open the door.
- Did you just slam that door? - No.
Close it properly, please.
Maybe this Christmas Will mean something more
Maybe this year
Love will appear
Deeper than ever before
And maybe forgiveness Will ask us to call someone we love
Someone we've lost...
For reasons we can't quite recall
Mm-mm-mm
Maybe this Christmas...
Hello?
Mm-mm-mm
Maybe this Christmas
l was very impressed with the auditions. Thank you very much.
l thought there was a wonderful array of talent on display,
so you can all be very proud of yourselves.
Because there's a wonderful array of talent on display,
l have no doubt you'll be able to handle this song, which is quite advanced.
Things are going well in Nazareth
Our city is full of joy...
Right and that goes into...
Do you have to do that? Fine, l'll...
- That sounds good, doesn't it? - Yes, so we've got...
- Things are going well... - Things are really cool...
- ln Nazareth, our city is full of joy - ln Nazareth
- Cos this is where girl meets boy - Cos this is where girl meets boy
- ln Nazareth - Our city is full of...
- Do you... - Joy...
Try it.
Things are really cool in Nazareth
Our city is full of joy
Cos this is where girl meets boy...
Who thinks my song is better?
Anyone? This is far more linear. lt's very dirge-like.
Mine is actually influenced more by Sondheim, but...
OK, who prefers Mr Poppy's song?
Black! Darkness, and the audience is thinking, "What's going to happen?"
Some of the children, maybe like six or seven,
come on here on that, "Duh-duh, duh-duh-duh!"
They're like toe, heel,
and then over here some more children, so you get this big cross,
and at the back as the cross opens up we see like the city of Nazareth.
The children turn round, they've got big cutouts of all the city,
the city comes together and there's windows and lights
and people going "Hello" through the windows.
Mr Poppy, these children will never be able to do that.
- Yes, they will. - Everyone knows we're useless.
- You're not useless. - That's what Mr Maddens calls us.
- No, l don't. - Yes, you do.
You told Mrs Bevan that we are.
- Who told you that? - Sam, she heard you.
You did say we were useless.
l didn't mean useless. l didn't mean useless.
- But they will never be able to do that. - Yeah, they will.
Anything we can do, Oakmoor can do ten times better.
Oli, Oakmoor, shmoakmoor!
Beh-beh-beh-beh, beh-beh-beh-beh...
The final scene of the play is a really, really important scene.
- You know what happens at the end? - No.
- Baby Jesus is born. - Baby Jesus is born.
Right, who fancies going on a little field trip
to actually see a real baby being born?
Ah, l've been looking for you, my class. What are we all doing?
We're talking about going on a field trip to see a baby being born.
- What do you mean? - lt would be good to do a few field trips.
Go to the farm and see some animals,
because it would be cool for you to see the animals that come to the manger.
Thank you. Can we come in, please?
Enough of this silliness. lt's not gonna happen.
How are they supposed to give convincing performances?
lt's called pretending. lt's what every child in every nativity does every year.
You can't pretend something unless you've experienced it.
l'm pretending to like you and l've yet to experience that.
Who wants to go to hospital and see a baby being born?
- Hey, hey! - l woke up to the radio
And the glare of a blanket of fallen snow
When l heard the DJ speak to me
ln a voice that was Thick as an evergreen...
For a snowy day
Cos l need a break And l want to sleigh the day away
l need a snow day...
Oh, piglets!
l need a snow day
Hey, hey!
Hello, everybody.
l'd like to welcome you to our Christmas bazaar here at Oakmoor School.
As you know, Christmas is a time for giving.
A time for charity and valuing those people less fortunate than ourselves.
So, in that spirit, l'd like to welcome the students from St Bernadette's School.
Ding dong! Merrily on high
- ln heaven the bells are ringing - Oh, oh!
- Ding dong verily the sky - Oh, oh!
- ls riv'n with angels singing - Oh, oh!
- Gloria - Ding dong! Ding dong! Ding dong!
Ding dong! Ding dong! Ding dong!
Hosanna in excelsis
That was good.
- They look beautiful. - We're never gonna beat them.
Wow.
- Wow, he's good, isn't he? - Yeah.
Oh...
Look at him.
How are we? Are we all right? Are we ready to give it a go?
OK, we know it a little bit. Listen, this doesn't matter. lt's not a test.
You don't have to be getting this right.
This is just something we do cos we enjoy singing.
Just to give us an idea of a Mary and Joseph, OK?
- Mr Poppy, if you would, please. - Two, three.
He's not my type
She's not too bad
Not the most gorgeous
l've ever had
And yet there's something
Behind those eyes
A fire that flickers...
What's going on here?
Oli and Alfie, did l see you fighting?
Why were you fighting?
He said l'd be rubbish at Joseph, and l'll never make it in the school play,
and if l do, l would let the school down.
- Alfie, who made you director? - No one. But... but he hit me.
Alfie, it's not down to you
who's going to be rubbish or good or let the school down.
As far as l'm concerned you've just let the school down,
and so have you, Oli.
- You both want to try out for Joseph? - Yes, Mr Maddens.
Yeah? Neither of you are going to. Sit down.
l knew you'd never let me.
Jade, do you want to come and try for Mary?
- Oli? - Yes, Mr Maddens?
Take your feet off the seat.
- Come and try for Joseph, come on. - Thank you, Mr Maddens.
l'll grow to love her
lt might work out
Too young to know
What it's all about...
This one l'm quite excited about, but it is a bit of a risk. That could go either way.
But if you don't like it, you can just say. You can just say.
Hang on, what's down here?
l think l've just found...
What's...
Together forever
And always home
- Together forever... - Other hand. Other hands.
And always
Always home
And kiss.
- No. - They don't have to kiss.
They don't have to kiss.
- What about just a cuddle? - Jade, Oli, come here.
- That was excellent. - Thank you.
You've got a beautiful voice. And Oli?
- That was really good. - Thank you, Mr Maddens.
- So, what was all that about earlier? - Alfie really got on my nerves.
But l don't care if someone's getting on your nerves, you don't fight them.
People think you're a bad lad, and maybe you're not,
but the more bad things you do, people have you marked down as that.
You've got real talent and you let yourself down by being silly.
There's only so many conversations l can have with you.
Only so many times l can tell you off, do you understand?
You don't want to be told off by me. lt's boring.
l hate doing it. lt's really boring for me as well.
But if you could show me more of what you've just shown me there,
you could be great in this show.
- So, can l be Joseph, Mr Maddens? - We don't know that yet.
l'm thinking l can see my boy band here.
l'm thinking this is the boy band but we've got to whittle it down.
- What about TJ? - No TJ.
- Why? - He would be a really cool Gabriel.
- OK. - He's in my Gabriel pile.
How are we going to whittle this down? We've got to lose two.
- Good dancer. Zack is a great dancer. - He should definitely be in it.
- Matt. - Spiky hair and a good dancer.
Right, he's a good dancer plus he's eye candy for the girls.
l don't think we need to bother with that. He's 11 years old.
Have you seen the looks he gets in the playground? All these girls are like...
- Good. OK. - He doesn't walk round the playground.
He struts. Bobby!
Good morning, Mr Poppy.
l'm a bit upset because l haven't got a part in the proper show.
How do you know that? We're just working it out now.
- Bob, what do you want to be? - l want to be a king.
She's the brightest star l've ever seen...
Throw some shapes.
lt's like we're living ln some kind of dream
Why do l feel overcome With hope and joy?
Cos she's shining down her light
And she's gonna be my girl And me her boy
ls there room for a little one?
- Mm, yeah. - You're through.
Get in there, baby. Get in.
Thank you, Bob. Chin up.
Things are moving apace, with this Hollywood business.
lf they go down the road before they come here
it's going to be the end of everything.
We're going to be washed up by the age of ten.
We need to find Jennifer Lore, who's this executive producer.
She works in one of five major studios.
l need somebody to go on line to find out where she is. l want her contacted.
We need to find out exactly what St Bernadette's are doing in their show.
Yes, Mr Shakespeare.
We can see what their show is like, and then we can just top it.
We can just beat them. lf their show's big, we can make ours bigger.
We're going to do a warm-up
because it's important before we do any strenuous activity
that we warm our bodies and our minds up.
Minds are equally important to warm up as our bodies.
- Hi, Mr Poppy. - Hi.
What we're gonna do is a gentle warm-up. You can join us, if you like.
l've actually got some music. A little dance. We're just going to limber up.
Copy what l do. And you, Mr Maddens.
Ooh, ooh, oh, ooh, oh
Let me tell you now
- Ooh, ooh - Ooh, ooh
When l had you to myself l didn't want you around
Those pretty faces always Make you stand out in a crowd
But someone picked you From the bunch
One glance was all it took
Now it's much too late for me To take a second look
Oh, baby, give me one more chance
Won't you please let me Back in your heart?
- Oh, darling, l was blind to let you go - Let you go, baby
- But now since l see you in his arms - l want you back
Oh, l do now...
Spies!
Mr Maddens, it's the freak.
Cry God for Harry, England and St George!
Come on, let's go!
Fall back!
Ha-ha! Break time!
l just wanted to say, if you needed any help with any of the singing or dancing...
- Step shuffle, change shuffle... - Excuse me.
Gordon!
- Gordon! What are you doing? - This is ridiculous!
- Why have you come to the school? - We came here on a field trip...
Excuse me. l don't think... no.
Mr Maddens!
Bundle!
Some of the children have described to me being encouraged to have a rumble.
- Now, what on earth does that mean? - lt was more of a bundle.
Bundle or rumble, l do not care.
You've dragged this school and your trousers through the mire.
lf it wasn't for this whole Hollywood thing,
you'd be off these premises without a job and without a reference.
Get out, go on, back to your classrooms. Tuck your shirt in.
Sorry.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
l know a lot of you have heard all about the Hollywood connection
so l'll hand you over to Mr Maddens, Paul.
There was talk about, er... relocating.
- ls there any truth in this? - There's a lot of talk about Hollywood.
l don't want any of us to run away with ourselves
and start dreaming about Hollywood mansions or swimming pools
when that is plainly a fantasy.
Yeah, but if the people from Hollywood see something brilliant in your child,
they'll maybe take them over there.
l'm worried about the religious aspect of this being lost.
lt's going to be absolutely 100 percent in line with the teaching of the Church.
- A normal nativity. - But also we've got the death slide.
How much are you paying?
There will be no financial benefit.
lf you're making a film, there's got to be a fee. Nobody does a film for nothing.
- lt's Hollywood. They've got the money. - And he's good, he deserves to be paid.
About a million pounds, l think l've heard.
We gonna have to get agents.
- Alfie can't have contacts. - Don't cast him, then.
- My daughter is very beautiful. - Will my daughter Becky be in?
- lt would be my daughter. - l think she's a Mary, isn't she?
OK, folks.
Hi, Jennifer, this is Paul. Paul Maddens.
Just wondering if you could possibly give me a call back.
l have something to ask you, if that's all right.
lf you could give me a... Love you.
What are you...?
Don't say that!
- Why did you tell me to say that? - lt's a nice ending.
lt's not, it's a totally inappropriate ending. What are you talking about?
- Why are you in my house? - l'm just trying to help, Mr Maddens.
Well, it's not helping! l haven't told her l loved her for five years!
Get out! What are you doing?
l think he's doing it for the best because if it does happen, it's gonna be brilliant.
- lt's not happening, is it? - But it might happen.
- How? - Well...
- How's it gonna happen? - Maybe you could help out.
Desmond? Desmond?
You were going to be on break duty today. Can you...?
Yeah, l was just chatting with Miss Rye.
Yes, you shouldn't be. Can you get out, please?
- Paul? - Yeah?
Why did you lie?
About what?
About America, about Hollywood, all being a complete load of rubbish.
- You've lied about all this. - You did lie.
- l'm in shock. l'm in shock. - l'm really sorry.
- What are you gonna do? - l don't know.
- You've got to do something. - Maybe you've got a great idea!
We've got to get Jennifer to somehow return your calls or speak to you.
Yes.
We're gonna film what we've done and film some of the rehearsals, OK?
- The best bits. - Of these children?
- Yes! - Four seconds! There are no best bits.
- Oh! - Come on, Paul.
Just get something, get whatever you can, the best thing you can on the DVD.
Film it for the DVD, send the DVD.
- Stop saying DVD. - lt's got to be worth a try.
Well, l'm not doing the DVD.
She's the brightest star l've ever seen
lt's like we're living ln some kind of dream
Why do l feel overcome With hope and joy?
Cos she's shining down her light
And she's gonna be my girl And me her boy
Whoo!
OK, er...
OK, nice and loud. ln here, in here. Go!
l want you with me, Christmas...
'Hello, Miss Jennifer, you don't know me but l've heard a lot about you
and the children have got something they want to tell you.
'Mr Maddens is having a hard time without you.
'Mr Maddens loves you so much so can you please come back?'
'Please, please come back and mend Mr Maddens' heart.'
'Mr Maddens is heartbroken without you.'
'Without you Mr Maddens is lost.'
'Mr Maddens is miserable without you, Jennifer.'
'So... so please, please come,
'and come and see the show while you're here,
'and everything will be good.'
To keep my heart aglow
The Lord Mayor welcomes Mrs Bevan and Mr Maddens.
- Hello. Paul Maddens. - Nice to meet you.
- How do you do? - Nice to see you again, Mrs Bevan.
You look marvellous.
This old thing, it comes out at Christmas time.
- You look like a Christmas cracker. - Thank you very much.
Let's hope you get pulled before the end of the night.
- Can l take you for a drink, Mrs Bevan? - Mm.
- You'd like a glass of champagne. - l'd love another one.
lt's very nice, very cooling.
- Patrick Burns. - Hello.
- Coventry Evening Telegraph. - l know who you are, yeah.
- Excited? - About?
- Hollywood? - Oh, yeah, that old thing. No.
l've got contacts there, had them for years. Pulling in a favour.
Yeah, yeah, from a young lady. Jennifer, isn't it? Jennifer?
Yeah. You know, sorry, l know how this works. No, this is like you're a reporter.
No, no, l'm off duty. l'm off duty.
- l hear there's no such thing. - Oh, please.
Gordon was just saying how you had a few problems in the beginning
and then he said to her, "You go, girl, you go to LA."
- Really? - l just wondered your take on it all.
l'm sensing a lot of anger.
Are you? Why would that be, l wonder?
Could it be because you are the man who, five years ago, roundly trashed
my one honest attempt at putting on a nativity?
Are you sure it was me?
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" was the headline.
- And now, when there's a chance... - Oh, come on, it was appalling.
- So you do remember it? - l did that review to make you tough.
Look at you now, you're mixing with Hollywood.
You're no one if you haven't had a bad review off Patrick Burns.
That's why they call them Burns victims.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Can l thank you for your attendance and your support
because l would like to congratulate Mr Maddens and St Bernadette's School
for the incredible opportunity that they are affording our wonderful city.
Mr Maddens.
Now, in honour of this occasion, and much against the council's wishes,
the mayor's parlour has overruled the council
and we would like to offer the cathedral ruins as a venue for your show.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Mr Maddens. This is brilliant. This is gonna blow your mind.
Prepare to be amazed.
We're doing it at the cathedral.
What?
We're doing the show in the ruins of the cathedral.
- Yes! The cathedral's got a spire. - lt's got a spire.
You don't seem to understand
that the bigger this gets, it's now constituting fraud.
He's getting corporate sponsors to give money and give their services for free.
We need money. We need lights. We need a little smoke machine.
We need someone to help us do the hanging, because l can't.
- l think l need someone... - Mr Poppy, stop it, please. Seriously.
- What are you doing? - l think l'm having a heart attack.
- Mr Maddens? - Don't touch me.
- Mr Maddens, you're upset, aren't you? - Oh!
l can give you a cuddle? Cuddles make it all go away.
l promise. Feel this.
You're hurting me.
We can do this, Mr Maddens, can't we? Yes, we can.
- No, we can't. - We can. We can.
Look, l'll leave you here, all right? You can listen to the music.
Relax, l'll take care of the children.
Believe, Mr Maddens. Believe.
l've had a little makeover And l'm all dressed up tonight...
Out to here. The audience is here.
A cheeky drink, a naughty wink...
- Yes. - Stand back and put your shades on
Cos l'm about to shine...
This is an old cathedral. Fill the cathedral. That's good.
- There's no starlight like mine... - Yes.
- Ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh... - Very good. Wonderful.
Now, see, can you cut the music, please?
That has got to come in after the... Ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh!
Bosh! Sparkle and shine...
lt has to have that ferocity to it.
lt's a cathedral we're trying to fill, not just this hall.
At the moment you're not even hitting me when l'm here. Again, please.
l've had a little makeover And l'm all dressed up tonight
A cheeky drink, a naughty wink
We'll loosen up all right
Stand back and put your shades on Cos l'm about to shine
My blinding light will thrill you
Cos there's no starlight like mine
Sparkle and shine
Planets gather round
Sparkle and shine
Let's all make a dazzling sound
Here's something you won't believe